For the past few weeks, I have had tough time going to bed or falling asleep. Even when my body says I'm exhausted and need some sleep, I find myself either facing computer @ 2 am or in bed tossing and turning for hours, just to realize it's 3am. It has to do a lot with uneasiness and uncertainty that my life brings at the moment, non-stop thoughts racing through my tiny brain. It also has to do a lot with my husband losing the job in December and hasn't been able to find a new job for over a month. And it's making me really nervous.
And that has got me into thinking about my life lately. A lot. What is my life and what's in it; what is my choice in life that I can provide the best for my daughters? I'm trying to figure out the meaning of life itself...
The question that comes to my mind always and first is, "What is happiness?" - is it wealth? Is it all the money you make and how rich you can be? Does it have to be fame? If you're a Hollywood star, would that make you happy (because they are loaded!!)? Or is it the simple thing you have and feel in your life; looking at the beautiful blue sky or feeling the beautiful breeze. What is happiness?
I know the answer, and for me, it is my two daughters. As cheesy as it may sounds, my daughters are my everything and they have shaped my happiness the moment they were born. But when I feel I am not doing my job to provide what they deserve, I question my ability as a mother.
Life brings you expected and unexpected events and some times you have no control over what's to come. Honestly, JT losing his job was one of those unexpected events that we had no control over and it's not fair to blame him. But I can't deny the fact that it has given us tremendous grief and trial. It sucks because the finacial burden has weigh so much on our relationship right now that even when I know money is not everything, it is definitely causing the tention between me and my husband, hense I often ask myself, "is money = happiness?" That is kind of shallow, I know..
Today JT is going for another interview. I am praying. I'm praying really hard that he gets this job. We are in serious need of a miracle...
What is happiness to you, dear readers? Are you happy now?