Heaven

My boss, his client and I were talking about life and death yesterday. My boss always says that he is not afraid of dying. Actually, he's looking forward to the after life. He believes in it. But his client was honest and said, "Oh I am the quite opposite. I am afraid of dying." Then she asked me, "How about you, Maki?"

My answer to the question was, "I am afraid of it, too..." and I am. Idealy, I would love to say that I am not. But I think I will never be comfortable saying that I am not afraid of dying until I know I've lived my life to fullest. I have two young children who need me. I want to watch them grow up, fall in love and maybe get married and have children. Yes, I would definitely want to be part of that. So, I still get nervous when I think about my own death. But at the same time, I know I shouldn't be....



After coming back from work, I was bathing the girls last night when my oldest Ju Ju asked me out of the blue, "Mommy, how come eveybody wants to go to Heaven?" I had to think for a good minute and still didn't know how to answer to her question...

As you many know that JT's uncle passed away last week. But before his passing, we've also lost several family members and a friend in past two years. She knows because we've always told her about it, saying that they went to Heaven.

When JT's grandma passed away two years ago, Ju Ju was 3 years old and Sophia was only 10 month old. We flew in from Hawaii to Florida when we heard the news that gram had a massive stroke. I still remember we visited her in the hospital while she was still conscious and the look of disbried on her face; she couldn't believe she's seeing our faces... JT and I went into the room first with Soapy who was still a tiny baby. Then we asked JT's mom to come in who was waiting outside of the room with Ju Ju - Mom wanted to make sure Ju Ju wouldn't get scared of seeing sick great-grandma... We had Ju Ju sit on the bed when she said, "Hi Andma... (that's how she called her great-grandma)" I could see a true joy in grandma's face - she couldn't talk, but she was so happy to see Ju Ju's face. Ju Ju was touching her andma's hand and kissing her hand. Then I saw grandma stroking Ju Ju's back of hair. It's glued to my memory and it will never go away - it was such a beautiful moment to witness...

Next afternoon, we moved her to hospice because that was her wish. Two days later, she was surrounded by all the people who loved her and passed away. A lot of people thought Ju Ju and Soapy shouldn't be in the same room, but I told them I want them to be part of it. And they stayed. She was not in pain and it was very peaceful - and I know grandma was not afraid. If I were to die, that's how I want to leave this place, surrounded by the people I love...

What I wanted to say is that I teach my kids "death" is not something to be afraid of or to be scared, but I am afraid of it. You see the contradition? In my culture (Japanese culture) small kids are exposed to family's death quite an early age. Our parents never shyed away from making me and my sis part of it when our grandpa passed away. So, I want to teach my kids the same.

I think I am afraid of unknown or the pain that comes with death. Life is full of surprises, so you never know how you will leave this place. That's what I am afraid of.

"Mommy, answer my question, why?" - Ju Ju asked me again. So, my answer to her question last night was this:

"Okay sweetie, when our hearts get tired, it stops working, (That's what I learned to say from childrent's magazine - if you tell them the person went to sleep, it would make them scared of going to sleep) and the thing inside of you (refering it as her soul) goes up in Heaven. That's where we all are going, so we can meet Andma or Daddy's grandpa or mommy's grandpa and gradma. It's such a beautiful place..."

Then Ju Ju said, "And we can play bowling together and have party? That's why?" I smiled and said, "yes, that's why..." (When our kids hear thunders, we tell them that their great-grandparents and other family memebers are playing bowling...) I think I'm gonna stick to the bowling story for a while...

So, everyone, are you afraid of dying or are you looking forward to the after life???